TIP TUESDAY: Mom Now or Not, Everyone Judges

This article annoys the crud out of me... please don't send it to me anymore, thank you.

That article is making its way around again. You know the one… it’s that advice column where one woman (no kids) asks why her other friend (with kids) doesn’t have time for her anymore. Well, if you don’t know it, no worries, I’ve posted it above. Yadda yadda yadda… the columnist answers that unless Ms. Kidless walks a mile in Ms. Kid-full’s shoes, momless wonder just needs to stop, be quiet, and not even go there with her momless-wondering self.

But I just have to ask… haven’t we all “gone there” at one point in our pre-kid lives?

I‘m guessing that as a mom and based on this columnist’s response, I’m supposed to react by taking the kidless woman to task; Ms. Kidless just doesn’t understand anything that I’m going through as a mom, nor does she have any clue about how my time is no longer my own. Above all else, how dare she even think it’s personal? Um, OK, but first of all, aren’t all those statements fairly true (yes)? Second, haven’t I been that same kidless woman who’s been left wondering why mom-friends of mine all of a sudden stopped taking phone calls, stopped returning emails at the pace they used to, and basically just fell off the face of the social earth we both once used to traverse about together (yes again)? And what did I do when I was at that kidless moment of my life, did I just sit tight and politely accept the fact that I was being ignored? Um… sorry, but no, no I didn’t. And truth is, fellow moms, you have been Ms. Kidless at one time in your life as well, and perhaps you just didn’t understand much of what was up with your mom friends either. Maybe your feelings were hurt, and/or you simply just felt shoved aside and ignored. Unless you were absolutely the first woman of your family and friends to pregnant up and birth babies, we’ve all been that Judgy McJudgerson left wondering “who does she think she is just drop me like last season’s handbag once those rug rats came along?!” Yet now that you’re a mom yourself, you now find yourself saying duh, NOW I get it. You get that why now as a mom you hang more with fellow moms than your parentless pack of yesteryear (camaraderie for yourself and for your kids) and you no longer have the free and unscheduled pockets of time you once did to return all emails and calls within 24-48 hours (ah, free time, I miss thee so). Additionally you now realize those situations you were in before with your mom friends while you were still Ms. Kidless had absolutely nada to do with little ol’ you after all. Whoops.

This column is a great reminder that we all were once pretty darn ignorant about what it meant to become a parent before we actually became one. Let us also remember ignorance on the whole has nothing to do with being malicious, mean-spirited, or personal; ignorance is simply knowing no better due to a lack of knowledge, and in this case the lack of knowledge includes lack of child(ren). This letter and these questions just have to do with Ms. Kidless being herself and coming from a point of view that we have ALL had pre-child, and she just had the guts to put it out there for herself and her other kidless friends. What’s wrong with that? I think I’d rather applaud her courage than laugh in her face and/or beat her senseless with judgment. After all, I really don’t like being beat senseless with judgment myself, and I do believe in karma, baby.

I’m not saying coddle the needy friend, feel sorry for her, or jump at every beck and call, oh no, no (and we just don’t have time for any of that much anyway). But I am asking you to please consider not being a complete B to her or about her kidless situation; of course, if she is a true friend (and vice-versa), you won’t be, and most likely she won’t be judging you either. You will just remember to take any comment she has and interpret it as that she just doesn’t understand Mommyland and its many time sucks, just as we all didn’t before ourselves, and you will choose instead to handle any situation that comes your way with kid gloves and a warm smile.

So the next time you think about sending around this article, please think twice. Perhaps just not a year or two ago you were Ms. Kidless yourself, and you were as such in more ways than one. Karma, baby.

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2 responses to “TIP TUESDAY: Mom Now or Not, Everyone Judges

  1. But what to do with the opposite problem? I try to make time to see my kid-less friends and they seem to not want to be bothered. I guess I could be more bothered, but I honestly don’t have the time. 🙂

    • That’s really easy, for me anyway… if you have continuously made efforts, addressed this head-on, and/or either they blow off or habitually cancel, three strikes and they are out of rotation for being called for regular get-togethers. Like you said, you don’t have time to sit and think about it-them much, and especially if they couldn’t be bothered. Right? I’ve found that transitioning from and through groups of friends as we get older and move through different phases of our lives (i.e., work places, moving area-to-area, coupling up, and now kids is the biggie for me anyway) is definitely like mourning losses as some just tend to fall away, so I say try to do your best to process through and move forward the best you are able. And if they are real friends they will be there when you truly need them, and vice-versa; you will know those good eggs if you got ’em. Best of luck.

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